How can a Christian couple heal from a separation?
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Asked December 27 2013
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Jef Tontonoz
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JD Abshire
Sometimes sharing is better than advice so bear with me.
Within the first 5 years of marriage my wife and I were separated twice. The second time I thought it was really over. I was the type person who out of anger would say: “If you don’t like it, just leave and don’t let the screen door hit you in the butt on the way out.” My wife gladly obliged. It usually would not take but a few days to a couple weeks at most and ‘ole JD would begin to get this sick, empty feeling down in his very core. I had a feeling of loneliness, worthlessness and despair. I knew a part of me was missing.
After much pleading my “almost” ex-wife consented to joint counseling by a truly saved, born again, Christian counselor. He first prayed then asked if we were saved to which we both responded, yes. He then asked about MY personal relationship with the Lord, if I lived a life of submission, spent time in prayer, did we pray together. He asked if I made a practice of reading God’s Word with my wife, did I take her to a Bible believing Church, etc. I hesitated for a few seconds and then answered, “No”. He then asked why I expected submission from my wife when I wasn’t submissive to the Lord. Becoming convicted I answered honestly and said, I shouldn’t, should I? He said, no. It wasn’t the counseling I expected but oh so true.
One of the best analogies I’ve heard is this. In the center of our solar system is the sun. It is the light of all life on our planet. The sun’s gravitational force keeps all the planets harmoniously orbiting in the path designated by our Lord God.
The Christian family is like our solar system, it cannot survive if The SON is not the center of our lives. Without the illumination of His Word which draws us to Him and each other, we like planets get out of our designated orbit, crash and eventually destroy each other.
If you haven’t already done so, you as God's ordained priest, provider and protector of the family need to get on your knees before God and ask Him to reveal sin in your life. I did and was crushed. The Holy Spirit revealed the righteousness of God to me in a way not since I was first saved. Next He gave me a good, honest look at JD, it was awful! I genuinely wept bitterly and repented. Thank God for the blood, the intercessory position and power of The Lord Jesus!
I applied 1 John 1:9 and almost instantly all the issues and complaints I had against my wife vanished! I got my eyes off her and onto the Lord. It wasn’t 5 minutes later when The Lord dealt with her. It was like our wedding day all over again!
Remember what the Apostle Paul wrote in Ephesians?
5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;”
Ephesians 5:26 “That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,”
Ephesians 5:27 “That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.”
Ephesians 5:28 “So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.”
Ephesians 5:29 “For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:”
We have now been married 40 years, have 3 daughters who are saved, 2 sons in-law are saved and we are still praying for the third one’s salvation. Of nine grandchildren the 4 eldest are saved and The Lord even gave me the privilege of being His witness to one 9 year old grandson. After spending a few weekends with us over the summer and sitting in on our devotions he later came to me tearfully with a broken heart and said: "Papa, I don't want to go to hell. I want Jesus to save me, Will you help me?" What a blessing!
I am truly a blessed man. What do I attribute it to? God's mercy and his grace, grace that is greater than all my sin.
Bill Gillan
JD, God bless you fella.
Mary McDonald
JD. Praise God for your insight into His Plan and surrendering to His Word.
We have been married 14 years and have been separated on and off for over half of that time. The stress in my marriage has nearly killed me, & in the beginning his physical abuse nearly did too. He went from being overtly abusive to Passive Abusive, less obvious and no jail time.
In all this time he claims to be a Christian, but I truly wonder. He is from an abusive, narcissistic, selfish, domineering family and he learned well. I am the opposite, not by nature, but through Christ.
It is a long story but God intends for us to stay married, it is the one thing we BOTH believe deeply though it would be so much easier if this were not the case.
I know only God can touch him so he can see the truth about himself, but it has been difficult believing it will ever really happen.
We attend Church together when he is in town, he drives long haul, but this job prohibits making plans for regular counseling, never know when he will be here. Tried that before too on several occasions, but he doesn't really participate.
I know God is taking care of me in so many ways, & my friends and church family are great too. All things in God's time!
All of that just to tell you Thank You...it is so wonderful for me to hear when God touches the soul, mind, and heart of a man, (husband, dad) that beings that man to Himself and leads him to be the MAN God intended him to be. THANK YOU and MAY GOD CONTINUE TO BLESS YOU!