My non-believer girlfriend had a miscarriage. Should I still marry her?
My non-believer girlfriend was pregnant and I was determined to marry her. My Christian friends and family around me supported this decision, seeing it as the Biblical decision for us and for the baby. I repented in front of God and started preparing myself for marriage and committed my heart to her, confirmed my intention to marry her on all aspects. Around 8 weeks into the pregnancy, my girl friend had a miscarriage. Should I still marry her? Does this miscarriage mean that our marriage is not blessed by God? My Christian parents see this as the opportunity God gave me to leave this relationship, to not be unequally yoked with the unbeliever. I know that at this fragile moment, taking back all my promises to marry her means an end to this relationship. But my conscience doesn't allow me to walk away at this time while we're both healing from the lost of the baby. I still love her. And I know leaving right now means more hurt for the both of us. Though I don't doubt the healing power of God, is this the right thing to do? Am I sinning more by breaking my promises so that I won't be condemned of bearing unequal yoke?
Anonymous
For follow-up discussion and general commentary on the topic. Comments are sorted chronologically.
Jennifer Rothnie
This is a unique situation, and there isn't really just 'one' answer. However, briefly:
- Not being unequally yoked is great advice, but it is not a sin. God ordered Hosea to marry a prostitute, for example. (Hosea 1:2-3) And while a bad idea in general, so is continuing in a sin.
- If the two of you have already had sexual relations, that is also a type of yoking as that is considered by God to have become 'one flesh.' (I Cor 6:15-16)
- Fornication is as much a sin as any other, and is forgiven by Christ. While marriage due to fornication is not a 'rule,' it can be a good idea (I Cor 7:9)
- God is big on us keeping our promises and letting our 'yes be yes' and our 'no be no.' In cases, then, where the promise of marriage has already been given, then the guidelines might be closer to what is found in I Cor 7:12-14. It might be up to the women in this case as to whether or not she leaves.
- Another thing to consider is her spiritual future. You have already 'yoked' with her by sexual relations. To leave her, breaking promises, might portray a negative testimony for Christianity ('they just use God as an excuse to get out of the consequences of sin,' or 'it doesn't matter if they hurt mere unbelievers,' etc.)
- If you do marry, it would be wise to seek premarital counseling from a Pastor and probably ongoing counseling for a time as needed. Talking with your girlfriend over your future goals, parenting, direction, spiritual growth, etc. would also be wise.
Danny Hickman
"Unequally yoked".....
I don't believe this term meant as much to the man who wrote it as it does to some of us today.
It sounds like the title to a blockbuster movie or a TV miniseries.
I'd be really hurt, if I was the person who married a person, whom I later found out got advice from a "religious" online site, on whether she should marry me or not. I'd be interested in knowing what she would have done if she had received negative advice.
I wouldn't want to be married to a woman who went to her pastor and got advice on whether she should marry me or not. What if the pastor says she shouldn't, would his word supersede her love for me? If it does, it means her love for me is contingent upon more than what I'm comfortable with.
Today is the 47th anniversary of my and Faye's marriage. I'm spoiled❗And that's the way I think it should be. Nothing and nobody comes before Faye, not even myself.
When we got married we were "Unequally yoked." Her mom was a Jehovah's witness and my parents were the pastor and wife of a baptist church. Her mom wouldn't step foot in a church, would never accept a gift for any special day, etc. She was one of the nicest people I've ever known and loved, God rest her soul.
"Unequally yoked" has probably wrecked many of God's good intentions for people. That's what usually happens when we create doctrine from trivial things...
Jennifer Rothnie
Unequally yoked is more about one's personal faith than parental faith. I would agree on Pastor's not giving advice on who to marry unsolicited at the least - it's a bit different if a couple goes to a Pastor for counseling on how to proceed than a Pastor pushing for his own wish. One of my friends asked if I would go to see his Pastor with him, which I thought was wierd but agreed to, and when I got there the Pastor pushed us both to get married because we were both "single" and in our mid-twenties at the time. Needless to say it was very, very akward and caused a lot of friction in our friendship.
But my comment above wasn't advising asking your Pastor on whether to marry or not, but *if the two of you decide to marry* going to a Pastor together for pre-marital counseling. There is a lot of advice, assessments, etc. a Pastor can give or help with that will help a new couple start out on a strong foundation.
Danny Hickman
I agree with you Jennifer about pastoral premarital counseling. That's not my concern. I'm addressing the matter at hand. This person is getting advice from me, you, WHOMEVER, if whether he should marry a person because of the circumstances he's living with.
My comment is this: I wouldn't want to marry someone, then discover later that she wasn't sure she should marry me. So to decide, she went on line, I even include, she goes to her pastor, and gets advice on whether she should marry me. That would hurt my feelings. I wouldn't like that.
I married because I didn't want to go further in life not married to Faye. We were told we wouldn't last. The people who said so couldn't see into our hearts. They only knew the circumstances. We were young. I was extra, that sort of thing. Her family was Jehovah's witnesses, mine were thoroughly baptist. If she had been unsure I wouldn't have married her.
We celebrated our 47th anniversary yesterday. And I'm still a little extra.
I don't think it's fair to this person's fiance for him to ask ANYBODY if she's worth marrying. PERIOD ❗